THE MEDIUM IS THE MASSAGE

Ouch!

Ow!

Ooh, that really hurts…

Please stop. Are you trying to kill me?

We can all agree that having a lousy dentist can be an agonizing experience. But I don’t have a lousy dentist; I have a very good one. The only yelp ever heard from one of my appointments was the day I accidentally bit Dr. Smith’s finger. 

Now, my massage therapist is a totally different story. She is not simply good.  She is superb.

“Does that hurt?” she’ll ask.

“Yes, just a little.”

“How about this?”

“A lot: that hurts a whole lot.”

“Good. Now we’re getting somewhere.”

I try to see her about once a month because I spend several hours each day sitting in front of my computer. As a reader of this column, you realize just how painful the results of that can be.  I’ve tried everything to relieve my neck and back soreness: a chiropractor, an acupuncturist, a physical therapist, even a ghost writer, but nothing has worked.  I did try typing my column on my iPad while standing up. I also tried it while using a traditional yoga pose, and one time while lying on the pool table. If you get your back in the right spot over the cue ball, there is some merit to this technique.

My massage therapist’s name, by the way, is Dee. Her business is called Touch by an Angel, but you have to go through a little hell in order to get to the heavenly part. I think she should change the name of her business to DEE…P Massage, but I am literally in no position to have a normal conversation with her, because I’d be talking to the carpet.  Each session begins with me lying on my belly with my head in this device at the end of the massage table. Do you know what this contraption is called? It’s a face cradle, which explains why after about two minutes of DEE…P massage, I’m wailing like a baby.

Dee is a big fan of water. Lots of water. She thinks many of my problems come from not being properly hydrated. She suggested I drink 10 glasses of h2o a day, and it has actually helped my back! I am in the bathroom so much now, I don’t get to sit in front of the computer for any stretch of time. Oh, and talking about stretching, Dee wants me to do a lot of that, too. Stretch before I exercise; stretch after I exercise; stretch before I sit at the computer; stretch when I walk away from the computer. I told her I already do all that eight times every afternoon. That was a stretch right there.

After the last session, I mentioned to Dee that the next time I get a massage, I’d like a relaxing therapeutic experience rather than the DEE..P kind that can be excruciating at times.  Dee thought that sounded like a wonderful idea, “but who’s going to give it to you?” she asked.

When I left the other day I gave her a copy of my new book. Why wouldn’t I?  She’s not only been an excellent health care provider, but a loyal friend.  “Thanks, Dee,” I wrote, “You always have my back.”