IF YOU EVER HAD A PIMPLE ( and a Smart Phone)

CLEARING UP A PROBLEM

A dermatologist in Southern California may avoid jail time by the skin of his teeth.  He has been marketing a $1.99 app for smart phones that emits both a bluish and reddish light, which he claims will cure acne.  Dr. Smith has sold about 20,000 of these. Now, ironically, he has a blotch on his once-unblemished medical record.

Most of the experts agree that these lights can’t hurt you, but if a kid is holding his Blackberry against his pimply nose while driving, he’s likely to back the car into a mailbox or end up with his Ford Fiesta in the lobby of a Motel 6. No instructions are provided with the app, so one of the difficulties is knowing exactly how far from the problem area to hold the device. Some of Dr. Smith’s accomplices, I mean associates, are thinking of adding a GPS, a Global Pimple Searcher, that will automatically zero in on any facial imperfections. 

Doctors at Baylor University are upset about this apparent scam: “There should be more studies,” clamored one of their investigators. Okay, Doc, here’s one for you:  Nine out of ten adolescents with zits will believe anything you tell them if they think it will clear up their face. That is why I spent most of the ninth grade with lemon wedges and a heating pad on my forehead. Another researcher was equally concerned, noting:  “I am worried about the teenager with open draining sores, because bacteria on the phone could lead to a minor skin infection.”  Hey, I was just an American Lit major, but this is the last thing in the world a 14-year-old is worried about.

The app emits 660 nanometers of light, which anyone with a post-doctoral degree in laser science knows can’t hold a candle to what a good glob of Clearasil can do. If you are one of those people who paid for this cyber rip-off, it still might not be a bad idea to rub the smart phone across your forehead. Maybe the smart part will rub off.

Even the people at Apple are concerned about the legitimacy of this application, warning customers that it’s “for entertainment purposes only.”  Yes, this warning comes from the same people who offer an app to notify you if you’re going have a bad hair day, and one that measures the amount of time your smart phone hangs in the air if you toss it straight up to the sky. Oh, and there’s also a two-dollar app that simulates human digestive sounds, noises we already download for free every day.

Whether Dr. Smith can avoid prison is still in question, but he maintains he’ll take his punishment like a man. Whenever he’s asked by the media about doing time in the slammer, he’s directed by his PR people to say: “Breaking out is not an option.”

His wife is worried that even a short prison sentence will jeopardize their marriage. Dr. Smith confirms their love: “She’s my main squeeze,” the dermatologist tells everyone. Which is not something his PR agency wants him to say.