CHRISTMAS IN OCTOBER

 

My Hammacher Schlemmer Christmas catalogue arrived a little later than usual this season. I know because last year I remember using it to swat flies at our July 4th cookout. So once again, to save you the trouble of wading through all the gift ideas, I offer a few of my favorites. And, yes, these are all real. Try to resist.

SHARK BAIT SLEEPING BAG: Your kids feel safe and secure in their home and are finally sleeping nightmare-free. Why not surprise them with a life-size shark sleeping bag? The brochure photo shows a toddler, snuggled inside the bag, with only his head sticking out of the shark’s mouth.  According to HS, this neat gift “devours children with shark-induced slumber.” Soothing, huh? But there’s more:  “It facilitates restful sleep even while the child is being digested.”  My suggestion is to wait and buy this on Craigslist for one-tenth the price on December 26.

FOLD-AWAY ADULT BUNK BEDS:  This is the perfect gift for parents who are preparing their young teens for life in a penitentiary. HS claims it can be put together and taken apart without tools, which is important because you don’t get to play with screwdrivers and hammers when you are in maximum security. The manufacturer says the beds are guaranteed for life, so don’t waste this set on a kid who only aspires to petty larceny.

THE GYROSCOPIC WATCH WINDER: I had no idea what this was. In the old days, I just twisted the stem with my thumb and forefinger every night. Then the self-winding watches were invented and that really freed up my evenings. Now I discover you need some fancy instrument to wind your expensive watch properly. Apparently, a gyroscope is the most efficient and accurate way to do this.  But is it pronounced jiro-scopic, hero-scopic, or gearo-scopic? Even the waiters at the Greek restaurant weren’t sure.

WORLD’S LARGEST GUMMY BEAR: HS says this is 1,000 times larger than a traditional gummy bear. But is it snack food or a big game trophy? HS advises that it tastes best when kept in the fridge and then sliced into cutlets, which is a term that should really be left to veal. The giant gummy bear is cherry flavored and serves 12 kids. Or 106 adults.

THE SPINNING SPAGHETTI FORK: Are you tired of driving all the way over to Olive Garden or Bucca di Beppo, poring over their exhaustive menus only to have to actually twirl the spaghetti on your fork yourself? The spinning fork has “ a thumb activated button that turns the device at 22 rpm…and it fits neatly in your mouth without creating a mess.” This is the exact same copy as on the next page about their electric toothbrush, which is $75.00 more expensive. So I’d buy the fork. You’re welcome.

 

THE SLEEP-TALKING AND SNORING HOUND:  This life-size Gund stuffed animal is for kids, but it’s also the perfect gift for the woman whose husband is away on frequent business trips. The soft and fluffy hound snores and even talks in its sleep, saying things like, “I love bacon.” Your new companion can be spot cleaned. It’s like your hubby never left.

Happy shopping!

 

 

 

GETTING A LITTLE CULTURE

There's a commercial on TV where Jamie Lee Curtis turns to the camera and reveals to viewers that she is having an "affair" with Activia Yogurt. This is either a great way to get a yeast infection or an effective way to avoid one. I have no idea. I’m a guy.

Recently in the press, the Greek yogurt company Chobani got some really bad coverage when it was revealed their product had some really bad coverage—mold, to be precise. I thought yogurt was already part mold. Or is it bacteria? Fungus, maybe? Don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.

The founder of the company, Hamdi Ulukaya, perfected the recipe for Chobani based on his belief that everyone, regardless of income or location, deserved access to delicious, high-quality yogurt. Except for the delicious part, he says the same thing about health care.

The last yogurt scare in the news was a year ago when a New Jersey firm withdrew salmonella-infected mango yogurt cups from Wawa stores in four states. Like the first moon landing, it was one of those pivotal events—you know exactly where you were when you first heard about it.

On Chobani’s Facebook page, some yogurt aficionados expressed their dissatisfaction with the product. "Unnervingly fizzy," said one. "Tasted like wine,” complained another. ”It had a kick to it,” opined a third. So I'm thinking, what's the problem here? Many of the postings are snarky, not befitting yogurt fans who should be more cultured. Comments like: “Chobani is not as sweet as most yogurts, but after a while it grows on you. Literally.” And, “This is the most unique yogurt ever produced. When they made it, threw away the mold…well, on second thought…”

Ulukaya would not reveal how many complaints they had, but he did say "it was not in the hundreds of thousands." This brilliant PR response was written for Ulukaya by the same guy who told George Bush to say, “Mission accomplished.”

By the way, Ulukaya is not from Greece, and neither is his yogurt.  It’s made in upstate New York.  Their plant was an old Kraft factory that once made Jalapeño String Cheese, the only product that Kraft ever recalled because it tasted like it was supposed to.

One news report quoted Ulukaya saying he would “not give a name to the mold.” This is a good idea, because once you call it Jerry or Samantha, it makes mass eradication much harder to feel good about. Ulukaya’s biggest concern is the onset of Giaourtiophobia, the technical word for the fear of yogurt. Besides occasional recalls, I have never understood how someone could be afraid of yogurt.  Tofu? Very scary. But not yogurt—at least, not plain vanilla.

There is some good news in the yogurt world. Dermatologists have determined that slathering the stuff on your face can give you a clear complexion. However, if you use the mixed berry, you will look like you have a bad case of zits.  

So that’s it for all the controversial news in yogurt this week.  I didn’t mean to alarm you but I like to stir things up. That’s why my favorite yogurt is Dannon Fruit on the Bottom.