TALKING HEADS

Mary Ellen and I were relaxing on our back deck and after swatting a few mosquitos, I said, “You know, sweetheart, we should look into screening in this area.”

“Yes, Dick, you’ve been saying that every year for the past 15 years.”

A few minutes later I mentioned how quickly the summer passes once July 4th weekend is over.

“I know, you say that every year around this time.”

I also remarked that the neighbors don’t grill out as often as we do. Apparently I had made this observation before.  Several  times.

Suddenly, I felt this great pressure on me. After thirty-one years, I didn’t have a single new thought to offer.  I had always taken great pride in my creativity, but clearly I was no longer snappy with the repartee. Several moments of uneasy silence followed. Mary Ellen finally spoke…

“When it gets this hot, I think about cutting my hair shorter.”

“Where have I heard that before?” I asked.

At that moment, we both realized we needed a way to jazz up our conversations. Mary Ellen had an idea: “I read this article in the doctor’s office, I think it was in Cosmo, that might offer a solution.”

I’ve seen some of those covers of Cosmopolitan and I was just praying that was where she saw it. Phooey, it was from Good Housekeeping. Mary Ellen said the writer recommended that longtime married couples should pretend they are going out on a first date. That would make for an exciting and potentially romantic evening.

It seemed like a silly idea at first, but I agreed it was worth a try. On Friday night I asked Mary Ellen out for the next evening. She was annoyed because I waited until the last minute, assuming she didn’t already have Saturday night plans.  To be really suave, I went outside the house Saturday night and rang the doorbell, like it was a real date. I thought that would make a big impression on her, but she’s no dummy and realized I had simply forgotten my keys.

We drove off in the car. “What shall we talk about tonight, Dick?”

“If this were a first date, we’d probably chat about movies we’ve each seen.”

“Okay, great idea.  I just saw Woody Allen’s Midnight in Paris.”

“I saw that, too.”

“I know, Dick, we saw it together.”

“Gone to any good restaurants lately, Mary Ellen?”               

“No, my husband likes to go to the same places all the time.”

“Mary Ellen, you are not supposed to have a husband. This is a first date. What kind of a jerk do you think I am, going out with a married woman?  Let’s try travel. Have you ever seen the Pyramids?”

“We went last year. How could you forget?”

“I didn’t forget. I’m making conversation. That was the whole point of this.”

“Well, it’s getting too weird for me. I feel like I’m dating a man who’s lost his memory.

We tried everything that people would chat about when getting to know each other: music, religion, politics. Honestly, we didn’t hit it off, but there must have been something brewing on some level because despite a dismal first date, we both ended up back at my place.