SQUALK TALK

PILLOW SQUALK

I already know what I want for Christmas. I saw it in the Brookstone catalog. The manufacturers maintain this is NOT some lame novelty product, but a boon to mankind. I’m not so sure about womankind. It was this provocative headline that caught my eye:

                                           AT LONG LAST, A REMOTE CONTROL PILLOW

Someone finally had the brains to sew a TV remote inside a throw pillow. Brilliant! The people who wasted valuable time thinking up Windows 7 must be kicking themselves. Really, what man hasn’t spent 15 minutes looking for his clicker, then wondered why he couldn’t switch channels with something he never misplaces—like his can of beer.

Never again will you have to ask:  “Where’s the remote?” Instead you’ll be asking why there is mustard on the volume button.  One fan commented, “It looks like the regular pillow I cuddle with.” Okay, that is a little creepy, but I was still intrigued.

There are some safety warnings:  Like a minor possibility of being electrocuted if you drool on the thing.  The device shuts off after two hours of inactivity—not gonna happen because most men are persistent channel surfers.  However, falling asleep on the pillow is a pressing problem.  A few customers complained  that one minute they were watching a documentary about FDR on the History Channel and minutes later woke up to Snooki on Jersey Shore.

The people at Brookstone also claim that the item is a great conversation starter.

“Hey, Joe, is that pillow also a remote?”

“Yes, Tom, it is.”

“Please pass the cheese puffs.”

As I mentioned, the big benefit is that you will never again lose the remote. Of course, I came out of Kohl’s the other day and spent 20 minutes looking for my car, and I played golf Thursday and lost six clubs, so I’m not optimistic this is a surefire solution for me. Nevertheless, the designers state that the gadget is idiot proof. However, if you spent forty bucks for this contraption, it may already be too late.

The product website boasts the pillow can control 500 devices. I went around the house and I could only find six or eight devices in all our rooms. Maybe if I counted the bread box and our antique magazine rack, I could get that up to ten.  My electric razor and toothbrush are probably considered devices, but I wouldn’t want those things revving up in my bathroom unless I’m present to monitor the situation.

My wife wondered if she could start the dishwasher with the pillow, but I had to put my foot down. This kind of laziness is ruining our country, although it would be awesome to get Orville Redenbacher popping in the microwave right before the movie starts.

Mary Ellen and I decided not to wait for Christmas and ordered the pillow remote online. We don’t have the same tastes in television shows so we often end up having a little spat about what we should watch on our big screen TV.   Now that we have this new cushy gadget, it has added some spice and excitement to our marriage. Never underestimate the value of a good pillow fight.