MORE BATHROOM HUMOR
Prior to beginning our home renovations, I had never been in my
wife's bathroom. It wasn't that I didn't want to pay an occasional visit
to her private domain; I just didn’t know the combination to the lock.
Once construction began, I assisted Mary Ellen
in clearing out all the bathroom cabinets so new vanities could be installed
and fresh paint applied. As I deposited items into cardboard boxes, I
realized that many of the toiletries and cosmetics did not have expiration
dates, thus providing Mary Ellen with the perfect excuse for having
squirreled away so much stuff over the years. Tossing out a 30-year-old
jar of anti-aging cream would be an insult to the product
itself. How could it possibly get too old?
Under the sink I found refreshers, vitalizers, restorers and
scrubbers. I am sure Mary Ellen has not used any of these products over the
years, not because she doesn't look refreshed, vitalized restored or
well-scrubbed, but it was all tucked away in double zip-lock bags where I assume it
was being readied for the eventual apocalypse. Living in a bunker
for four weeks with no food or water is frightening enough, but you
can't ask a woman to go a month underground without a moisturizer.
I did a quick grocery-list inventory of my wife’s stash. There
were jars and tubes containing mint, avocado, lemon, pineapple, almond and
cucumber. A woman’s bathroom is very different from a man's, where most of the
facial products are meat based.
In one drawer I found 16 tiny tubes of toothpaste, all different,
each from a different hotel where we once vacationed. I was going to give Mary
Ellen a hard time about taking all these free samples, but I have 400 old USA Todays in the basement, so I totally
understand compulsions.
Of course, I also have my
own cabinet full of goodies that have piled up over the decades. The biggest
supply was old vitamins and minerals, all purchased about 15 years ago when I
had serious leg cramps and decided to take everyone’s advice on how to stop
them. The problem was that everyone had different
advice. Let’s see: magnesium, zinc, vitamin E, turmeric, potassium,
vitamin C, folic acid, and calcium. I finally discovered the quinine in tonic
water helps a lot, although I think it’s more apt to be the gin that makes the
pain go away.
In my wife’s bathroom, I
also discovered Ultimate Flora, a product that claims to have 100 billion
different types of bacteria cells in one bottle. And this was the travel size.
There was Kiss My Face Deodorant, obviously for people with really bad aim. Then
there was Absolute Eye Serum for people who love their premium vodka, but want
to cut down on their drinking.
I thought I had pretty
much rounded up all my wife’s cosmetics when I noticed a tube of something
called liquid grout colorant that had rolled behind the door. I am hoping
that this was left by the workmen replacing the floor tiles, because if it fell
out of Mary Ellen's cosmetic draw, she has a lot of explaining to do.
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