QUESTIONING DENTISTRY

QUESTIONING DENTISTRY

Most people have their teeth cleaned and examined twice a year. That was pretty much my routine, but then my dentist started scheduling me for quarterly appointments. I asked him why, and he said that patients with deep pockets need to come in four times a year. What an idiot I am.  I thought he was talking about my gums.

Before my last appointment, the receptionist asked me to fill out a new form so they could update my medical and personal information. There were 50 statements and I was asked to indicate those that addressed a dental concern I had. I checked off all of them because I have found  that with my regular physician,  the more things he thinks I suffer from, the easier it is to get an appointment when I’m really sick.

In addition, I always put in snide comments next to the questions. That’s why the staff doesn’t keep me in the waiting room too long with a writing instrument in my hand. They’re afraid I might talk about my visit in my newspaper column…which is exactly what I have done here. These are actual statements from the dental questionnaire:

_X___I have cavities and broken fillings

          I have no idea if I do. Isn’t it your job to know this?  Hey, I don’t have a shiny metal instrument with a tiny mirror on the end of it.

__X__I have missing teeth

         I do. And my wallet has also disappeared. I’m calling my brother. I was at his house last weekend.

__X__ My teeth are moving

          And I’m going with them. Do you know a good dentist in Boca I can recommend to them?

__X__I trap food between my teeth

          Yes, and I’m pretty good at it. I’m also a helluva fisherman.

_X___ I snore when I sleep at night

           Oh, yes. A dozen people told tell me that last week.

__X__I have bad breath

          A dozen people have also told me that. Not the same people.

__X__I need help flossing

           I could use some assistance.  But be sure that Cyndi the hygienist is over no later than midnight. I fall asleep after Letterman’s monologue.

__X__ My mouth is dry

               I’ll have a Bud. I hate your coffee machine. Thanks for asking.

__X__I don’t like the shape of my teeth

            What are my options here? Is octagon available? I’m very New Age.

__X___I am experiencing recession

            Yes, but I don’t totally blame Obama for this. Some of mine started during the Bush years.

__X__I need information on how to prevent cavities

           Yes, I’m a total moron. Is daily exercise the key?  How about cutting back on fuel consumption. Give me a hint, please.

__X___I often wake up during the night

              Yes, and two minutes later I’m back in bed. Mission accomplished. Trust me; this has nothing to do with my teeth.

__X___ My teeth seem short

            They reach my food. The bottoms and the tops can touch. I don’t think it’s fair to expect much more than that from my teeth when it comes to length.

__X__My teeth don’t fit together

             Okay, it’s not a perfect fit.  But besides the two wisdom teeth you yanked out, we’ve all been hanging out since the Eisenhower administration.

                        

__X___I have one of the following: Obesity, Diabetes, Hypertension, Stroke, Heart Disease, Erectile Dysfunction

               Okay, if I have to pick just one, I’ll say hypertension. But I have to ask, what do teeth have to do with…never mind.

__X__ I keep breaking my teeth

             Yes, and it’s a terrible habit. Mary Ellen has to hide the hammer.

__X__ My teeth are sensitive to stress

             That’s why this is the last question I’m answering.