QUESTIONING DENTISTRY

QUESTIONING DENTISTRY

Most people have their teeth cleaned and examined twice a year. That was pretty much my routine, but then my dentist started scheduling me for quarterly appointments. I asked him why, and he said that patients with deep pockets need to come in four times a year. What an idiot I am.  I thought he was talking about my gums.

Before my last appointment, the receptionist asked me to fill out a new form so they could update my medical and personal information. There were 50 statements and I was asked to indicate those that addressed a dental concern I had. I checked off all of them because I have found  that with my regular physician,  the more things he thinks I suffer from, the easier it is to get an appointment when I’m really sick.

In addition, I always put in snide comments next to the questions. That’s why the staff doesn’t keep me in the waiting room too long with a writing instrument in my hand. They’re afraid I might talk about my visit in my newspaper column…which is exactly what I have done here. These are actual statements from the dental questionnaire:

_X___I have cavities and broken fillings

          I have no idea if I do. Isn’t it your job to know this?  Hey, I don’t have a shiny metal instrument with a tiny mirror on the end of it.

__X__I have missing teeth

         I do. And my wallet has also disappeared. I’m calling my brother. I was at his house last weekend.

__X__ My teeth are moving

          And I’m going with them. Do you know a good dentist in Boca I can recommend to them?

__X__I trap food between my teeth

          Yes, and I’m pretty good at it. I’m also a helluva fisherman.

_X___ I snore when I sleep at night

           Oh, yes. A dozen people told tell me that last week.

__X__I have bad breath

          A dozen people have also told me that. Not the same people.

__X__I need help flossing

           I could use some assistance.  But be sure that Cyndi the hygienist is over no later than midnight. I fall asleep after Letterman’s monologue.

__X__ My mouth is dry

               I’ll have a Bud. I hate your coffee machine. Thanks for asking.

__X__I don’t like the shape of my teeth

            What are my options here? Is octagon available? I’m very New Age.

__X___I am experiencing recession

            Yes, but I don’t totally blame Obama for this. Some of mine started during the Bush years.

__X__I need information on how to prevent cavities

           Yes, I’m a total moron. Is daily exercise the key?  How about cutting back on fuel consumption. Give me a hint, please.

__X___I often wake up during the night

              Yes, and two minutes later I’m back in bed. Mission accomplished. Trust me; this has nothing to do with my teeth.

__X___ My teeth seem short

            They reach my food. The bottoms and the tops can touch. I don’t think it’s fair to expect much more than that from my teeth when it comes to length.

__X__My teeth don’t fit together

             Okay, it’s not a perfect fit.  But besides the two wisdom teeth you yanked out, we’ve all been hanging out since the Eisenhower administration.

                        

__X___I have one of the following: Obesity, Diabetes, Hypertension, Stroke, Heart Disease, Erectile Dysfunction

               Okay, if I have to pick just one, I’ll say hypertension. But I have to ask, what do teeth have to do with…never mind.

__X__ I keep breaking my teeth

             Yes, and it’s a terrible habit. Mary Ellen has to hide the hammer.

__X__ My teeth are sensitive to stress

             That’s why this is the last question I’m answering.

            

          

           

WHEN I'M 65

I hadn’t been to one of my high school reunions in 35 years. I went to the 10^th reunion because I was still single and figured this was a chance to see the first love of my life again. Phoebe and I never went out. I’m not even sure if she knew my name, but I remember how quiet and innocent she was. It was good to visit with her at the party and I enjoyed seeing photos of her 12-year old son.

I didn’t go to the 25^th reunion because I was sure it would just be a lot of people trying to impress each other with how successful they were and how good they looked. I was not interested in being inundated with that much narcissism, plus the reunion was the same week as my hair transplant procedure.

Not sure why I didn’t go to my 40^th, but based on a DVD someone sent me of the fun everyone had at the open bar, I doubt anyone will remember if they were there.

The 50^th reunion isn’t for a few years, so I was a little surprised when I received a recent phone call. “Dick, this is Nick Carino, president of the Class of ‘65. How have you been these past 37 years?”

“Fine, thanks. ’94 was a bummer, but…what’s up?”

“Well, the committee has come up with an incredible idea. We don’t want to wait until 2015 to get together, because we realized that all of us in the class of ’65 turn 65 this year, so this calls for a special celebration.”

“Wait a second”, I said. “What’s so unique about that?  Didn’t the class of ‘64 turn 64 two years ago? Won’t the class of ‘68 turn 68 at some point?”  There was dead silence. Apparently Nick Carino, a PhD in civil engineering and proud recipient of the National High School Science Award, had not realized this. He continued, “We just think 65 is a special age.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know, Dick. Maybe because we will all be on Medicare.  We’d like you to do a stand-up comedy bit at the hotel.  The committee suggested a routine about getting older—maybe with some arthritis and gout jokes.  But no type 2 diabetes or heart disease references. Let’s keep it light.”

“You know, Nick, I just don’t think that’s a good idea. Many of us 65-year-olds are still working and are in great shape. And I’ve heard a rumor that a few are still sexually active.”

“None of that is funny, Dick. I thought you were a professional humorist.  Is this the same Dick Wolfsie who wrote on his history final that Joan of Arc went to war while her husband Noah stayed home to patch up his boat?”

“Okay, I’ll think about it. What else do I need to know?”

“The entire event is based on the number 65. We graduated in 65; most of us are 65; we’re going to raffle off a 1965 Mustang, and the first 65 people who show up get a free photo of either David Letterman, David Bowie or Ted Danson, all 65 years old this year. How cool is that?

“How much will this shindig cost?”

“The hotel gave us a great deal: dinner and drinks for $64.95.”

“Why don’t you make it 65 dollars to keep with the theme?”

“Never dawned on me.  I’ll run it by the committee. By the way, Dick, I’ll be in Chicago for work next week. I could drive down to Indy if you’re free.  Which interstate is it?

“Oh, Nick. I’m about to make your day.