FACING MY BIRTHDAY

         

FACING MY BIRTHDAY*

I’d like to sincerely thank all my “friends” who last week wished me a happy 64th birthday. More than 400 people, who set their Facebook account  to notify them of birthdays, posted greetings on my homepage that said, “Hi Dick, Happy Birthday.” I did receive a few congratulatory posts that were more personal, like, “Hi Dick, have a great Saturday”; “Hello, Dick, Have fun, despite the rain”; and my favorite: “Happy Birthday, Richard. Are you interested in term life insurance while it’s still affordable?”

The big problem is that I receive an email alert from Facebook whenever anyone posts on my page, which is very annoying. Why don’t I change that setting, you might ask? I’ll tell you why, as if it’s any of your business. I haven’t a clue how to do that. Okay?

As I write this, the salutations are still pouring in, about 15 or 20 an hour. I would not even bother reading them, but I’m afraid that embedded in this avalanche might be an important message. Like a request for one of my books or a substantial inheritance from one of my Nigerian relatives.

YOU’VE GOT MAIL!

Hold on, there’s one now. It’s from Tom, who told me to have a great day and then added, “How old are you? Has your birth certificate expired, yet?” As a kid, I used to display selected fingers to show how old I was. If Tom were here, I’d select...

YOU’VE GOT MAIL!

That was from JP. He’s never remembered my birthday before. JP has owed me 50 bucks for two years. Well, at least he remembered something, that no good...

YOU’VE GOT MAIL!

Hold on, this could be important. Perfect , it’s good wishes from Meals on Wheels. I was wondering where I’d have my birthday dinner.

I searched the Internet to find a more personal approach to acknowledge a friend’s special day. One site suggested you buy your BBF credits to FarmVille, a Facebook social game that allows you to manage a virtual farm by plowing land, growing crops and raising livestock. I think I’ll gift that to my brother for his 60th. What a perfect way to say happy birthday to a Manhattan cab driver.

I’m also going to ask all of my friends to fiddle with their Facebook account and start sending me messages that will have a more direct benefit to me in my disordered existence. Thanks for helping me manage my life. Here’s your message to forward to me if your last name begins with:

A-C: Hi, Dick, quit procrastinating and schedule that periodontal exam. (April 3)

D-G: Hey, Dick. Avoid the slammer. TAXES! (April 15)

H-L: Hi, Dick. Isn’t it time to shell out eight bucks for a car wash? (May 9)

M-S: Hello, Dick. It’s your anniversary. Don’t screw it up like last year (June 14)

T-Z: Hi, Dick. Saw you on TV. Get a haircut. (Send first of every month)

One day I’ll change my Facebook configurations so they no longer show the day I was born. But for now, I’m going to go down to City Hall tomorrow and convince them to change my name and the year of my birth. I have a feeling that will be much easier.

YOU’VE GOT MAIL

Oh, shut up!