WHAT A TRIP

 

My wife is planning a very exciting vacation to celebrate our 35^th wedding anniversary. This was a big surprise to me. Not the vacation part, but the 35 years.  I thought it was 34. Right now she is on the back porch, the patio table stacked high with books and brochures, notepad in hand, as she prepares for her next Internet search. She has made me look at photos and videos of Rome, Venice, Marseille and Monaco. I’m not sure why we are even going.  I’ve already seen everything I want to see. Plus, I’m taking her to Olive Garden tonight. Are women ever satisfied?

I’m happy to be going almost anywhere, even if I was there once before. That’s because I don’t remember places, so everything is new and fresh to me. If you set my wife down in the center of Prague, or Budapest or Vienna, she’d know exactly where she was, clear memories from a previous trip.  I can do that also, sort of: Shelbyville, Kokomo, Carmel, not a problem. Greensburg has that tree thing going on atop of the courthouse, right? Or is that Greeenfield? Whatever.

The truth is I don’t have a clear memory of most things in my life.  My brother recently asked me if I remembered exactly how many years he and I had to share a bedroom when we were growing up.  That room sharing thing did not sound familiar. I’m even a little hazy on the growing up part.

For Christmas last year, I gave my wife a huge framed map of the world as gift. The map is constructed so you can stick colored pins in it to denote previous and future travel plans:  Blue pins mean you’ve been there; red pins indicate you want to go back. The green ones are for places you have always wanted to visit. I’m using the yellow pins: Wife says we’ve been there/Doesn’t ring a bell.

Sometimes I try to pretend I remember stuff, but she’s too smart for me and gives me little pop quizzes.

“What do you remember about Rome, Dick?”

“Oh, the churches, lots of churches. Love those churches.”

“Can you name one church you remember seeing?”

“Of course. There was Saint, Saint… you know how bad I am with last names.”

“Do you remember going to the Coliseum?”

Now I’m really worried. No way had I forgotten seeing a football game.

While she was researching restaurants in one country we’re going to visit, I interrupted to ask her what we were having for dinner later in the evening.  “I don’t have a clue, Dick, but on September 24, I’m having the salade aux lardons and the daube provencal.”  She told me I could have the pissaladière, which I’m hoping is pizza.

Later in the afternoon, I learned that we were going to spend one entire morning looking at Roman ruins, then have lunch and spend the whole afternoon looking at even more Roman ruins. “I’m really good at making these kinds of plans, aren’t I, Dick?” asked Mary Ellen.

“Oh yes. If anyone can ruin an entire day, you can.”

At one point, I suggested we should make the trip a little more unplanned. “Look, Mary Ellen, I don’t want to be a grump about this, but I like spontaneity. I need to know there will be a least one surprise in this vacation.”

“Oh, you won’t be disappointed. I have something right here that will shock you and you will not forget it for a long time.”

That’s when she handed me the bill.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PLEASE GO AWAY

                                                         

 

My wife is planning our summer vacation, which we will take in the fall. We took our spring vacation this summer.  We got behind in 1984 and still haven’t caught up. I don’t have much input into the planning of these trips, but Mary Ellen did assign me an article to read in ShopSmart magazine:

                                                         YOUR FEEL-GOOD VACATION

According to this piece, there is actually very little chance you will feel good. These are some things they want you to worry about.

TRAVELER’S DIARRHEA:   In this section we learn that seven out of ten travelers experience this, which is why requests for aisle seats trump window seats on most overseas flights. An infectious disease specialist says, “Many people have been de-railed by this problem.”  I am sure even more have been de-planed and de-boated. But I suppose it does happen on trains, as well. The good doctor suggests you take a drug called bismuth subsalicylate with you on the trip. But in a real emergency, I’d suggest just saying Pepto Bismol to the druggist. You really haven’t got a lot of time to mess with the pronunciation. The doctor directs you to not drink tap water or eat local fruits and vegetables that may be contaminated, but apparently he didn’t read the warning in the next paragraph.

CONSTIPATION: This is a different doctor (I know, I know, medicine is getting really specialized) who says that four out of ten people suffer from this disorder on trips. Wait a second, seven out of ten have the first problem and four of ten have the other problem. That means one person has both problems. Or does that mean he kinda doesn’t have any problem? All I know is that the four out of ten people don’t need an aisle seat. By the way, this physician suggests eating a lot of fruit and vegetables. Seriously, do these doctors ever talk to each other?

BLOD CLOTS: Here’s another cheery section. It begins by telling readers who travel by plane to stand up as often as possible and stretch, so “it’s most important that you get an aisle seat.” Sadly, most of those seats are being taken by you-know-who. If you do end up with the middle seat, you better hope the guy in the aisle seat isn’t sitting there very often, which come to think of it, he won’t be.

MOTION SICKNESS:   Once again, an aisle seat is recommended, but hurry—those seats are going fast.  However, if you are travelling by car, you should take the window option.  

BACK PAIN: “When people lift bags into the top compartment, many swing them in a way that can cause harm,”says an orthopedic surgeon. That is so true. On our trip to Ireland a few years ago, I decked a man and half his family with a poorly timed toss of my duffle bag into the overhead.  Dr. Rao goes on to advise that you should always hold your bags close to your body. Good advice, especially in the New York and Amsterdam airports.

Next to this article is a lovely full color photo of suggested travel drugs and what they will look like when you pack them neatly into one smart-looking designer carry-on bag. There’s Miralax, Ricola, Dramamine, Lomotil, Pepto Bismol, and Benadryl, to name a few.  It’s a visual representation of everything that can potentially ruin your trip.   The magazine admonishes against purchasing these products overseas because in some countries the over-the-counter meds are counterfeit. But you probably will have to buy them there, anyway. Once the TSA agent sees that stash at the airport, you’ll be lucky to still have your two-ounce bottle of shampoo.