JET STREAM
I keep a clipboard next to my bed where
I attach newspaper articles, snippets from magazines, photos, anything that might
be an inspiration for my next column. If I still can’t think of anything funny
to write by deadline, I just whack myself in the head until something dawns on
me. In the past 13 years, I have done that 650 times, which should explain a
lot.
On the top of the clipboard this week I
inserted a little instruction pamphlet that came with a new device my dentist
suggested I buy. I have several dental implements in my bathroom, all the
result of Dr. Smith going to some convention in San Juan or the Sandwich
Islands where he sits through lectures about flossing instead of hitting a golf
course or going parasailing. He told me I needed this thingamajig because after
Alyssa, the hygienist, dug away at my gums for 40 minutes last week, there was
some bleeding. The doctor asked if bleeding had been a recurring problem, and I
said yes—every six months when Alyssa digs away at my gums for 40 minutes.
The package arrived three days later. The
box said:
Hydro Floss – A New Generation
of Oral Irrigators
Yikes. This sounded like my mouth
required not just a qualified dental professional, but a small team of
agricultural workers, as well.
I opened the pamphlet and, as is always
the case, the buyer is admonished not to use the product until all the
directions have been read. There were four subsections on the first page, all
related to eliminating the possibility of electrocution.
DANGERS
WARNINGS
CAUTIONS
SAFEGUARDS
These are not the kinds of words you
want to see associated with a machine you are going to fill with water, plug
into a wall socket and then insert into your mouth. The first caution is: Never
let children use the Hydro Floss without supervision. Too bad, because with two
of these gadgets, kids could have a great water fight.
In big bold print it also says: DO NOT
USE WHEN DROWSY. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that how we all feel at
bedtime when we are finally ready to address the needs of our teeth?
Using the Hydro Floss requires a deft
touch. The manufacturers recommend that you first practice in the mirror without
the water stream.
“Dick, what in heaven’s name are you
doing?”
“I’m practicing cleaning my teeth. What
does it look like I’m doing?”
“It looks like you’re practicing
cleaning your teeth. That’s what’s weird.”
“The pamphlet says that if I don’t
first do a couple of dry runs (literally), I won’t develop the proper technique
and water will spray all over.”
“Dick, you have been watching yourself brush
your teeth for 67 years and you still get toothpaste all over the sink, on the
bathroom mirror and, unbelievably, on your slippers. So much for practice.”
The instructions say that once you feel
proficient, you can fill the machine with warm water and begin. But now the manual warns you NOT to watch
yourself in the mirror because, “this will cause a mess.”
Since I comb my hair and shave while looking
in the mirror, I couldn’t imagine how this would be a problem. But it was.
Water ended up everywhere: the floor, the mirror, all over the walls. I even
got some in my mouth.
Now that I’ve learned how to use it, I
can recommend the Hydro Floss. I’d also suggest you buy the two-year extended
warranty. And a good mop.
