THANKS BUT NO THANKS

 THANKS, BUT NO THANKS

Like most guys, when I walk past the magazine rack at the bookstore, I start to drool.  Just yesterday I saw one cover that made me glad I am a healthy, normal male.  There she was: perfectly proportioned, with golden skin and a great pair of legs. It was the best looking turkey I had ever seen. Obviously, there are some other attributes of the bird I could have alluded to, but I’m trying to keep this column classy.

At the time, I was looking at Food Network Magazine, the Thanksgiving edition—the perfect holiday purchase for those who don’t have a turkey of their own yet, but who want to live vicariously through others who have enjoyed tremendous success in the kitchen.

The magazine is 218 pages of recipes and cooking tips, including a handful of ads for anti-depressant drugs, which kind of captures the holiday spirit we all feel. One of the articles about preparing leftovers includes a beautiful shot of a bowl of turkey soup. I’m bettin’ except for one poultry little difference it’s the same recipe as the chicken soup the month before. The editor says this is her favorite leftover, but turkey soup is not a leftover. If her first course this Thanksgiving is really turkey soup, she should not be editor of this Food Network Magazine.

Food scientists did extensive research to answer such burning questions as: how many dishes does the average host or hostess serve with the turkey? (answer:  seven); do people favor pumpkin, apple, or pecan pie? (pumpkin);  white wine or red? (a tie); and finally, how long is it after the meal before everyone is talking to each other again? (about two weeks).  Another interesting statistic is that the average American gets up at 9:00 a.m. to begin the preparation for the day. This is certainly true of my wife, Mary Ellen, because if is she is not done with her makeup by 10:00, we can’t make the early buffet at Embassy Suites with our friends, the Haversticks.

Here’s a fascinating find: 72% of the country prefers lump-free mashed potatoes. But only 12% have ever had any. And did you know that 51% percent of T-Day diners opt for whole berry cranberry sauce  and 49% want jellied?  There was talk of a recount (especially in the Red states), but it’s really academic because 75% of families completely forget the stuff is in the fridge until after dessert.

Celebrity cooks offer 50 tips for preparing the annual feast. Iron Chef Judy Joo suggests passing around a small blow torch for each person’s individual pumpkin crème brulees. What fun! And with all the little kids around the table, what could possibly go wrong? John Shook, the chef at a favorite Los Angeles café, advises amateur cooks to always serve some old favorites for side dishes, just in case you “screw up the turkey.”  Confidence! Isn't that what cooking is all about? 

My favorite tip is from Seamus Mullen, a gourmand from one of New York’s finest eateries. Seamus says to throw the leftover meat from the usually less popular legs and wings (along with some oyster stuffing) into the food processor before you go to bed that Thursday night. I ask you:  Is there a better way to begin shopping on Black Friday than with a nice dark-meat turkey smoothie?

 

 

 

 

 

 

ROPE A DOPE

 

Imagine finding yourself stranded in the forest, with no food or water. Or caught in an avalanche, freezing to death beneath a mountain of snow. Sounds scary, doesn’t it?  But you’d have absolutely nothing to worry about if you were wearing your Paracord Survival Bracelet. (Also required: a cell phone, your GPS, warm blankets, a week’s supply of food and a Coleman stove.)

Yes, this is the hottest thing in survival gear since the lit match. Technically, it’s called a 550 Cord, which confused me because that’s also the name of the Levi’s I wear. The bracelet is made of 90 feet of intricately woven thread crafted into a nifty piece of rope jewelry. The material was first used in WWII by paratroopers. The manufacturer describes it as having a “32-strand woven nylon outer sheath with an inner core of seven 2-ply yarns.”  I know, I know, it sounds a lot like Charmin.

Think how lucky James Franco would have been in the movie 127 Hours if he had been wearing one of these.  There he was with one arm under a 6-ton rock. How cool if he could have gotten this bracelet off the other hand with his mouth and then unraveled 90 feet of fiber with his teeth so that he could…let’s see, he would take the cord and…well…. Okay, I have no idea how this item could have possibly helped him.

Here are three uses suggested by the manufacturer:

1.      Replace a broken zipper pull:  Nothing would be more embarrassing than being rescued after 12 days on a deserted island and being caught with your fly open.

 

2.      Detain a person:  When you are shipwrecked in the middle of nowhere and help finally comes, isn’t that the first thing you’d think about: Who do I need to tie up?

 

3.      Fishing Line:  “Our white cord will rarely catch fish in clear water,” admits the bracelet company, “but you may have a chance in murky water if you have stink bait and a hook.” Not a problem. A lot of hikers who forgot to bring even one protein bar have a jar of chicken guts and beef liver in their backpack.

 

The manufacturer is concerned that people will not want to use the rope in an emergency because making it back into a bracelet is harder than solving the Rubik’s Cube with your feet. They are probably right. It’s a good thing that auto safety systems do not allow you to disengage the airbag apparatus on your own. “Push the off button, Agnes. We’re going to hit that truck head on, but I have no idea how to stuff that thing back into the steering wheel.”

The makers of the Paracord Survival Bracelet will give you a free one if you use their product in a legitimate emergency. Simply send them the story of how you used the rope along with a photograph demonstrating the life-threatening predicament you were in.

Dear Survival Bracelet Maker,

My wife and I were recently cleaning the gutters on our roof when the ladder tipped over. As I helped her repel down the side of our house using your nifty piece of jewelry, I tried to get my cell phone out of my pocket to send a picture, thus qualifying for a free replacement. I was too slow but I am attaching a photo of her on the ground with two broken legs.

Personally, I think this bracelet is a waste of money at $39.95. Better not safe, than sorry.

 

 

  

ROPE A DOPE

 

 

Imagine finding yourself stranded in the forest, with no food or water. Or caught in an avalanche, freezing to death beneath a mountain of snow. Sounds scary, doesn’t it?  But you’d have absolutely nothing to worry about if you were wearing your Paracord Survival Bracelet. (Also required: a cell phone, your GPS, warm blankets, a week’s supply of food and a Coleman stove.)

Yes, this is the hottest thing in survival gear since the lit match. Technically, it’s called a 550 Cord, which confused me because that’s also the name of the Levi’s I wear. The bracelet is made of 90 feet of intricately woven thread crafted into a nifty piece of rope jewelry. The material was first used in WWII by paratroopers. The manufacturer describes it as having a “32-strand woven nylon outer sheath with an inner core of seven 2-ply yarns.”  I know, I know, it sounds a lot like Charmin.

Think how lucky James Franco would have been in the movie 127 Hours if he had been wearing one of these.  There he was with one arm under a 6-ton rock. How cool if he could have gotten this bracelet off the other hand with his mouth and then unraveled 90 feet of fiber with his teeth so that he could…let’s see, he would take the cord and…well…. Okay, I have no idea how this item could have possibly helped him.

Here are three uses suggested by the manufacturer:

1.      Replace a broken zipper pull:  Nothing would be more embarrassing than being rescued after 12 days on a deserted island and being caught with your fly open.

 

2.      Detain a person:  When you are shipwrecked in the middle of nowhere and help finally comes, isn’t that the first thing you’d think about: Who do I need to tie up?

 

3.      Fishing Line:  “Our white cord will rarely catch fish in clear water,” admits the bracelet company, “but you may have a chance in murky water if you have stink bait and a hook.” Not a problem. A lot of hikers who forgot to bring even one protein bar have a jar of chicken guts and beef liver in their backpack.

 

The manufacturer is concerned that people will not want to use the rope in an emergency because making it back into a bracelet is harder than solving the Rubik’s Cube with your feet. They are probably right. It’s a good thing that auto safety systems do not allow you to disengage the airbag apparatus on your own. “Push the off button, Agnes. We’re going to hit that truck head on, but I have no idea how to stuff that thing back into the steering wheel.”

The makers of the Paracord Survival Bracelet will give you a free one if you use their product in a legitimate emergency. Simply send them the story of how you used the rope along with a photograph demonstrating the life-threatening predicament you were in.

Dear Survival Bracelet Maker,

My wife and I were recently cleaning the gutters on our roof when the ladder tipped over. As I helped her repel down the side of our house using your nifty piece of jewelry, I tried to get my cell phone out of my pocket to send a picture, thus qualifying for a free replacement. I was too slow but I am attaching a photo of her on the ground with two broken legs.

Personally, I think this bracelet is a waste of money at $39.95. Better not safe, than sorry.

 

 

I AIN’T GOT NO BODY

 

I started reading Golf Digest when I was in high school with the hope I could increase my scoring average. It didn't help, so I finally cancelled my subscription last year.  Same with Playboy.

I was browsing through the magazine rack at a local bookstore and saw the October issue of Mess magazine. Actually, it was Muscle and Fitness magazine, but Arnold Schwarzenegger’s photo was positioned in front of the publication’s name and his huge head blocked out all but four letters. In one of the articles, the former governor and body builder (who has graced the cover countless times and is now the executive editor) refers frequently to loving his MF magazine, not quite the charm as the abbreviation for Gentlemen's Quarterly.

In small print at the bottom of the magazine's cover is a note that states the picture of the world’s most famous body builder has not been digitally enhanced in any way and that the muscular arms shown are 100 percent the result of Arnold's efforts. The same cannot be said of his face, which is 50 percent the work of his plastic surgeon.  The cover also says that on page 57 you will learn how to add one inch to your own arms. That interested me because right now I am just shy of reaching the crock pot on the top shelf in the kitchen. I began skimming the pages and noticed that men refer to their beefed-up biceps as their "guns.’ And that is why they believe in the right to bear arms.

Editor-in-chief Shawn Perine also heralds the importance of a good mental attitude when it comes to physical fitness. "All growth starts with your head," says Shawn, evident by the Terminator's noggin on the front cover.

In another section, fitness guru Jay Cutler fields questions about the most effective exercises for achieving a rock hard body. I favor ‘dips’ as a great mass builder,” says Jay. A similar result can be achieved by any dip with a sour cream base. Jon Jones, another physique freak who writes for MF reports that his favorite workouts are the Bulgarian Split Squat, the Keiser Push Pull and the Glute Hamstring Raise. Why he doesn't include the Sumo Squat Stretch is simply a mystery to me.

The pages are also full of ads for bodybuilding supplements. Choose from
Jet Fuel, Beast Amphetalin, Horsepower X, Shock Therapy and my favorite: Hemo Rage. Not only is it an effective nutritional supplement but it’s soon to be a major motion picture.

Food, if it can be called that, is heavily advertised in the monthly periodical. The culinary delight that really intrigued me was smoked tofu. Bodybuilders are not generally into eating tofu, so they smoke it, instead.

In the last article, there is a question-and-answer feature with Arnold, who is now in his sixties. He admits he doesn't enjoy working with a big dumbbell, anymore. Coincidently, this is exactly why, when Arnold was governor of CalEEEfornia, his first chief of staff quit after two months.