THE VACATION FROM HELL ( A CHRISTMAS POEM)

The Wolfsies have returned from a Christmas cruise where high seas and bad weather made our journey less than enjoyable. So, in the spirit of Clement Clarke Moore's classic poem spiced with a little Dr. Seuss, I hope you enjoy my memory of the trip. 

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the boat

People were restless so here's what I wrote

We had decided this Christmas to forego a gift

And instead spend the money to all go adrift 

The Wolfsies were nestled all snug in our beds

While visions of port calls danced in our heads 

Mary Ellen in her nightgown and I in my tee

Were ready for bed and looked out at sea

When out on the deck there arose such a racquet

I ran to our closet and grabbed a life jacket

Then to the port hole to look out on the ocean

That made me seasick...all due to the motion

When what to my listening ears should I hear

But an officer's voice and the message was clear:

The sea was too choppy, or so said the captain

Disembarking the ship was not gonna happen

Then he whistled and shouted and called them by name

No Honduras, no Cozumel and then, no Belize

I let out a curse word

My wife said, "Oh, geez."

With no ports to dock in, the message was clear

They couldn't stock up on food I held dear:

No knockwurst, no blintzes, no lox, and no brisket

The heck with the waves, I thought they should risk it. 

Then in a twinkling an announcement to all

Confirming again there'd be no ports of call

But the captain assured all on the cruise

There would be lots on board to entertain and amuse

Now Johnsons, now Goldbergs, now Reynolds, now Grays

There's shuffleboard, ping pong and a jukebox that plays

The casino is open, just think about that

Or learn to fold towels in the shape of cat

The people on board could not have been madder

And then out on the deck I heard such a clatter

When what to my wandering eyes should appear

But the head chef himself in his holiday gear

He was dressed all in white like a man from the navy

And his clothes were stained with chocolate and gravy

He had a broad face and a little round belly

And he passed out some pastries and small jars of jelly

Then a wink of his eye and a nod of his head

And now I was sure that I would be fed

He spoke not a word but went right to his station 

Creating his dishes from every known nation 

He pinched thumb to forefinger and said, “magnifique!” 

What a soup he created: I think it was leek.

Then he made a new sauce and a great crème brûlée

Then back to the kitchen to prepare for the next day.

I heard him exclaim as he went out of sight:

Merry Christmas to all and enjoy every bite!

Grumpy New Man

My wife told me the other day that my New Year’s resolution for 2016 should be to stop being so negative and grouchy. But my humor columns are dependent on those very qualities.  I’ve made a career out of people mistaking my crankiness for wittiness.

I once complained to the manager at Kroger that their entrance and exit doors were on the wrong sides. “I’ll never shop here again,” I told him. “I don’t know if I’m coming or going.” But did he call me grumpy? No, he burst out laughing—and told me I should use that line in my next column.

A few years ago I protested to a couple of Girl Scouts who came to the door selling cookies that their product was too high in fat and that eating S’mores would shoot my lipids through the roof. Their mothers called and thanked me, saying this was a good health lesson for nine-year-olds. These women must not have known I bought six boxes.

This past spring, I complained to some of my neighbors about their unkempt lawns.  I fussed at others who were putting their garbage out at the curb two days before trash pick-up, and I put my foot down about kids making a ruckus shooting hoops in their driveways on Sunday mornings when I was trying to sleep.  Instead of being annoyed, they made me president of the homeowners association. Maybe the problem is that I don’t have the right “old codger” look. I’m going to stop dying my hair and start hoisting my pants up to my ribcage.

I’m optimistic about 2016. I’ve already put together my top 10 list of stuff that makes me grumpy.

I don’t want the clerk to keep asking me if I have a Speedy Rewards Card. I don’t.

I don’t want to buy something in a bag that says tear here. It doesn’t.

I don’t want tech guys telling me it’s as easy as plugging it in. It’s not.

I don’t my wife telling me I can learn to load the dishwasher correctly. I can’t.

I don’t want my son telling me I should look at YouTube cat videos.  I shouldn’t.

I don’t want people asking me if I’m the guy who does the weather. I’m not.

I don’t want people asking me if my dog, Barney, is still alive. He’s not.

I don’t want some telemarketer calling to ask if I would like to try a generic Lipitor made overseas. I wouldn’t.

I don’t want people telling me they read my column in the Indianapolis Star. They can’t.

I don’t want my wife asking me when I’m driving if I know where I’m going. I don’t.

And finally, number 10, just to show you that I don’t end everything on a negative note…

I don’t want someone on the phone asking if I mind holding. I DO!

YEAR IN REVIEW

THANKS FOR THE LAUGHS

Every December I look back at all the people who deserve thanks for helping me find a little humor in everyday life…

Thanks to the young man who came to our door and convinced me to switch my cable provider.  He asked how long it usually took me to get on the Internet.  “Well, I start in the kitchen, getting a beverage. Then, with this pesky knee of mine, it takes me quite a while to get down the stairs to the computer. By the time I find my glasses, we’re looking at eight to ten minutes.” 

Thanks to my plumber, Rex, and my computer geek, Kevin, both of whom charge 100 dollars just for walking in the door. Rex usually brings a plunger and is gone in five minutes. And Kevin, a couple of times, just plugged my printer back into the outlet. As my mother used to say, “They sure have your number.” They do.  But I’m glad I have theirs, too.

To Bruce at Butler Hyundai who sold me a new car that has a steering wheel with 12 buttons on it, more than a corset from the Elizabethan era, and probably just as difficult for an inexperienced guy like me to manage. There are also four buttons on the rearview mirror, including a garage door opener, which Bruce told me I would have to sync with my old garage door opener. Or was it my laptop? No, maybe it was my smart phone. No matter.  When he said sync, I knew I was sunk.

To my wife, who points at everything. “Look at the sky,” she’ll say and point—like I don’t know where the sky is. And when she wants me to turn right, out comes that finger. On a recent trip, she asked, “Don’t you want me to point out things of interest?”  “Yes,” I told her, “but I don’t want you to actually point at them.”

To all my friends at my 50^th high school reunion, where I learned many things. Here are two. First, if you wear the wrong name tag, most people won’t know the difference for at least an hour.  And second, even though the guys I hung out with in 1965 didn’t take drugs, now we all do.  

To our friends from church who organized a bocce ball tournament. We didn’t know the rules, so I bought a book online called The Joy of Bocce. I already owned The Joy of Cooking and The Joy of Sex, although both of them were put in storage before we started to remodel our kitchen.

Thanks to Mary Ellen, again, who upon checking our email confirmation for our hotel in Washington, DC, last spring, casually mentioned that we weren’t as close to the downtown area as she had wanted. “How far are we?” I asked.  “About 2,300 miles,” she said. I had booked a hotel in Seattle, Washington, by mistake.

And finally, to the authors of my favorite publication of 2015, iPads for Seniors for Dummies, a book the publishers say is for people with no experience with tablets. Wait, seniors take several tablets every morning. The introduction says that with your new iPad you can “have fun, explore the online world, and look at naughty videos.”  It doesn’t really say that, but they could use something to get my generation into the Apple Store.

THE MOST OF CHRISTMAS PRESENTS

Time again to save you the trouble of reading through this year’s holiday edition of the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog. These are actual gift selections from their brochure…

The Best Talking Watch: This is the perfect gift for people who find it inconvenient or troublesome to have to actually look at their watch. You're in your car, one arm around your lover, the other hand texting, another holding a cup of coffee, and still another might be on the steering wheel. Don’t jeopardize your safety by glancing at your watch.

The Only Heated Outdoor Cat Shelter: According to HS, this shelter keeps your cat warm in the winter and cool in the summer. “There is no reason for your little feline friend to ever go in your house,“ says the manufacturer. So I have a question: Why do you have a cat?

The Handcrafted Hippopoptamine: This is a huge handcrafted sofa that is the same size and shape as an actual hippo, complete with head and tail. HS says it took 400 hours for the artist to complete the project, which is why this monstrosity costs $95,000. If you are a big fan of this enormous creature, a real one is only $82,500.

The Darth Vader Pancake Maker: The state-of-the-art thermostat ensures that each pancake or waffle will be a golden brown and cooked in the shape of Darth Vader.  But be warned: Breakfast guests will say their waffle is a little Chewie.

The Single-handed Barber: The typical affluent HS shopper will love the idea of giving himself a haircut. On the Internet, buyers comment it's a great product but requires practice. Who do you practice on? Don’t worry, if you have compliant children to humiliate, the kit includes include two baseball caps.

The GPS Homing Device: This is a device for people who travel, so they can find their way back to their hotel. I mean, really, only a total loser would need one of these. My wife is getting me one.

The Self-finding Wallet: Again, a gadget for space cadets, with an integrated tracking device that you pair with your Bluetooth so if you misplace your wallet, you just go to your iPhone and you can locate it. Okay, now where the heck did I leave my iPhone?

The Children's Weber Grill:  A great gift choice for kids who already have iPhones and computers and high-tech video games. What fun, to have a fake plastic grill where you can pretend you are cooking a plastic hot dog on pretend coals.  Learn to be just like Dad, who in 17 years behind the barbecue still can’t figure out medium rare.

The Electric Kazoo: Just when you thought that the world’s most annoying musical instrument couldn't get any worse, the folks at HS electrified it.  Apparently they partnered with the last kazoo manufacturer left in the United States, but this idea should pretty much finish them off, too.

The Instant Portable Soccer Game:  Introduce your children to this international sport with two portable nets and regulation-size balls. Teach them the rules, how to move the ball down the field and how to start a small neighborhood riot when the game is over.


Finally, the Table-Top Fireplace: provides all the sights and sounds of a real fire, but the whole thing is 100% fake—the perfect gift for your friend who is romancing that cute blow-up doll.


Happy Shopping!

SAMPLING A LITTLE GUINNESS

What's the longest known chest hair?  The heaviest pumpkin on record? Or the longest time a person ever whistled? See a list of these superlatives by reading the newest edition of the Guinness World Records Book. I skimmed the entire 250 pages in three minutes, 6.8 seconds, which I am told gets me in the next edition.

Here are some actual categories along with a few snide asides by me…

The unluckiest man in the world is Ray Sullivan, who survived seven separate lightning strikes. Ray says he won't buy a lottery ticket because he doesn't like his chances.

Ben Pridmore of the UK memorized 884 playing cards in a row. He actually set the record two years ago but wasn't in last year’s edition because he forgot to mail in his entry fee.

Roger Squires of England has compiled almost 80,000 crossword puzzles in 50 years. Asked why he developed this passion, Squires said, "Not a clue."

Devandra Suthar of India has 14 fingers, evenly divided between his right and left hands. Devandra is a carpenter by trade, but he must not be very good at it because he used to have 16 fingers.

The oldest divorce in history was between two people in England, both over 90 years old. Said the unhappy couple, "We were waiting for the kids to die."

The heaviest thing ever pulled by a woman in high heels?  Lia Grimanis of Canada lugged a 14,000-pound truck across a football field. Second place goes to Rosie Frobisher of Peoria who hauled her fat, drunk husband out of a Hooters restaurant.

Dinesh Upadhyaya of India crammed standard-sized lit taper candles in his mouth. Actually, his name is Denny Undermeyer but it sounds like Dinesh Upadhyaya when you have 15 lit candles in your mouth.

The shortest bull in the world is named Chegs and he lives in Ramona, California. The longest bull in the world was a 40-minute speech that Donald Trump gave in Des Moines, Iowa.

The largest collection of people dressed as Batman in one place was a convention in Alberta, Canada in 2014. It seems the 514 participants were unhappy with the accommodations.  There were only three working Bat Rooms.

Takeru Koyashi of Japan holds the record for eating 12 hamburgers in three minutes. Second place goes to almost everyone who has ever eaten at Golden Corral.

Mahade Bhujal of India held 23 tennis balls in one hand. In the book, he said he owed his success to the support of his family. I have no idea what that means.

The oldest living parrot is Cookie, who is 80 years old and lives at the Brookfield Zoo in Chicago. She's very sensitive about her age, and when asked about it, she says she's not talking.

Bruce Campbell of the United States owns the largest home in an airliner, an old 727 that still has its wings, landing gear and some seats. Bruce's wife divorced him because after dinner he kept telling her to put her tray in the upright and locked position.

Michael Lindsay of New Zealand holds the record for Most Wool Sheared from a Sheep in a Single Shearing. That's also the only category in the entire book considered a tongue twister.

The largest gathering of people dressed as pirates was in the UK in 2012. Approximately 14,000 buccaneers gathered from all over the world. British Airways directed their airline captains to break in every five minutes over the PA system and say: “This is your pirate speaking.”   

THINKIN’ ’BOUT LINCOLN

 THINKIN’ ’BOUT LINCOLN

I remember finding it in our living room, nestled between two Frank Sinatra albums. I recall carefully fitting the record over the tiny spindle on the Victrola (I'll wait while you young people google that word) and asking myself what a “button-down mind” was.

I know what it means now:  staid and conventional.  Ironically it was the name of Bob Newhart's first comedy album back in 1960. The Button-Down Mind of Bob Newhart was anything but conventional, despite Newhart's demeanor being low key, almost lethargic. Think comic Steven Wright. Or presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson.  

Newhart’s shtick was to enact one side of a conversation (often on the phone) in such a way that you could imagine what the other person might be saying on the other end. Shelley Berman, another comic of that generation, used a similar concept, but it was Newhart who so perfected his routine that Button-Down Mind became the first comedy monologue to make it to the top of the charts and become album of the year. Some of those same younger readers are wondering, “Isn’t Newhart the guy who did that sitcom about an inn in Vermont?” Yup, that’s him.

So why is this iconic comedian (who is still performing at age 86) on my mind this week? All because of a   passing remark by presidential candidate Jeb Bush, who has been dealing with some low poll numbers and admitted to being frustrated by conflicting advice he is getting from his consultants and advisors. “If Lincoln were running today,” jabbed Jeb, “someone would be telling him to shave off the beard.”

Sorry, Jeb, but Bob Newhart was way ahead of you on this—precisely 55 years before you.

“I was thinking,” says Newhart as he begins his brilliant comedy sketch, “what if there was no Lincoln back during the Civil War, and the advertising bigwigs had to create one? Here’s what a conversation might have been like between the president and a Madison Avenue marketer right before he made his Gettysburg address...”

Then Newhart, playing a Mad Men executive chides Abe for thinking about changing his appearance, saying, “The beard, shawl, stovepipe hat, and string tie are all part of the image, Abe.”  He asks Lincoln not to type his speeches but to write them on the backs of envelopes. “We want it to look like you wrote it while on the train.”

Then he discovers that Lincoln has been busy editing his upcoming address at Gettysburg: “You made a few changes?” questions an exasperated Newhart (long pause while he listens to Lincoln’s response).  “You say you changed four score and seven to 70? That would be like Marc Antony saying, ‘Friends, Romans, Countrymen, I’ve got something I want to tell you.’”

Apparently Abe also keeps messing up his best-known one-liner. “You keep saying it differently every time,” says Newhart. “Last time you said, ‘You can fool all of the people, all of the time.’” Then he adds: “Please leave it the way Charlie wrote it.”

Listening to this classic  sketch on YouTube doesn’t have quite the same charm it did when I first heard it on my Victrola.  But I have no way of truly comparing those two experiences, since I no longer have a record of it.

NO THANKS, THANKSGIVING

                                                   

Thanksgiving is still a couple of weeks away and I’m already annoyed at all the advice that is going to be stuffed down our throats about not stuffing a lot of stuff down our throats—like stuffing. Every morning TV show has some nutritional expert advising you how to cut down your T-day meal from 5,000 calories to a mere 4,300 by substituting yogurt for mayonnaise. Yuck. Then five minutes later, Chef Emeril whips up a lemon chiffon cream cheese pie. Don’t they have TVs in the green room?

Here’s a look at some of the stupid advice that will be clogging your airways. By the way, avoid eating the candied yams too quickly. That also can clog your airways.

DON’T SIT DOWN ON AN EMPTY STOMACH:

Yes, use a chair. But seriously, if you’re afraid that you’ll eat too much, experts say eat a little something before you sit down at the table.  Like a drumstick and a bowl of mashed potatoes. Then you’ll only eat half as much for dinner.

EAT SMALLER PORTIONS:

Everyone I have ever known who did this on Thanksgiving or Christmas did it only so they had room for three more pieces of that lemon chiffon cream cheese pie (see above).

TAKE A WALK AFTER DINNER:

I’m no fitness expert, but statistics show that it takes the average American half an hour to walk off 50 calories.  At that blinding pace, you could erase all 4,300 calories from that holiday meal by simply strolling to Argentina. Yes, you’ll need to do the swim also, or you’re still 1,500 calories short.

PUT YOUR FORK DOWN BETWEEN BITES:

My uncle Sidney was a big advocate of this technique. He did manage to eat 50 percent less this way, but he also gulped down three extra glasses of high-fat eggnog and a six-pack of Bud Lite, thus eliminating the need for a fork completely.

TIGHTEN YOUR BELT A NOTCH SO YOU FEEL FULL:

Hoosiers go the other way. Many wear dress sweat pants on Turkey Day to allow for maximum expansion.  In Kentucky, some people at Thanksgiving don’t even wear pants.

TAKE ALL YOU WANT TO EAT ON YOUR PLATE AND THEN JUST EAT HALF:

Translation: Put twice as much on your plate.

AVOID ALCOHOL:

If you have ever spent Thanksgiving with annoying relatives, you know how important alcohol can be. You don’t want to be depressed over the holidays, so have a few glasses of wine, which of course will make you hungry and then you’ll overeat and that will depress you more. Am I cheering you up?

On a slightly different note, do not watch any of the TV documentaries that destroy all the folklore about Thanksgiving. You’ll be told the Pilgrims probably didn’t eat turkey; they had no cranberry relish; they didn’t have any forks. The idea of stuffing never dawned on them and there probably wasn’t a single string bean casserole on the table, assuming they had tables, which also seems open to question. Oh, and they probably didn’t have sweet potatoes. And the Indians weren’t invited. They crashed the party. The next day none of the stores were open, so they couldn’t even buy a trinket on Black Friday.  The Pilgrims had a lot of nerve even calling it Thanksgiving, which, apparently, they didn’t.