TV DAZE!

Back in the ’50s, I’d plop down in front of the TV and watch shows like Gunsmoke, What’s My Line or The Jack Benny Program. Deciding what to watch was simple. I looked through the TV Guide, made my selection, and tuned in, seldom rising to change the channel.

I tied a string to the electric cord connected to the small black-and-white set in my bedroom. At night, when I started dozing off, I’d give the string a tug and pull the plug out of the socket. Sadly, I never got any credit for inventing the first TV remote.

In those days, watching TV was relaxing. But now, I feel anxious when I turn on the set. There are hundreds of shows to choose from every week. When I grew up, there were only three or four channels (now there are hundreds), which made the selection process in those days much easier. Not only that, but if you happened to miss an episode of, let’s say, Twilight Zone, it didn’t really matter. Why? Because there would be something completely new and creepy the following week. But now, you have to watch these shows beginning with the very first episode or you will be lost.  I don’t care how good the previews are, you can’t flip to Homeland in the middle of season three and expect to know why Carrie is sleeping in a psych ward disguised as a Muslim sheik.

What’s worse is that if you try to watch dozens of series at the same time, it becomes impossible to keep all the plots and characters straight. Imagine reading 24 books simultaneously. At least we have DVRs to help us manage our viewing time. That makes things much easier…sort of.

“Mary Ellen, when I watched True Detective last night, I didn’t recognize the characters.”

“Because, Dick, I think you recorded True Crime by mistake. Or maybe American Crime?”

“Or maybe I taped American Greed? No, I think it was The Americans.”

“Dick, did you record Masterpiece Theatre for me?”

“I recorded Masters of Sex by mistake. I watched one episode already.  Why does a guy have to      prepare a sumptuous meal just to get his wife in the mood?”

“I think you were watching Master Chef.”

“Well, I did record Kevin Spacey in House of Lies.”

“He’s in House of Cards.”

“I miss just plain House.”

I really don’t want to watch all these shows, but I hear people talking about them at work and at parties, and I want to be as culturally hip as possible. This is not easy for a senior like me who only recently discovered that Bruno Mars is not a candy bar and Kanye West is not a discount airline.

Right now, our DVR has a couple dozen programs on it. “We have so much to watch,” said Mary Ellen the other day. “We need to stay home an entire weekend and finally get through it.”

We used to say that about cleaning the house.

NICE PAD!

For the longest time, I wrestled with the idea of owning an iPad. I had a smart phone, which fit neatly in my pocket, and I had a computer that fit neatly in my basement.  I didn’t see the point of owning another gadget, especially since I was still unskilled in the two electronic devices I already had. Then came the answer to my prayers:  iPad For Seniors, For Dummies. It doesn’t exactly roll of the tongue, does it?

The Dummies series includes more than 260 publications. I own Living Vegan for Dummies and Backyard BBQ for Dummies (I go through phases). Years ago, I wanted to learn how to throw my voice but was disappointed to find there was no Ventriloquism for Dummies available.

The author of this new iPad book, Nancy Muir, has published more than 100 articles on technology and is a leading software consultant.  I assume she is about 11 years old, because no one my age could know that much about computers.

The intro begins by noting that this is “a book for people who have no experience with tablets.” I don’t think I’m unique, but I take several tablets every morning. The writer explains that the book was written for the target audience of mature people, but no matter how simple Nancy tries to make this, if you are north of 50, you are going to have to resist having a tantrum after the first three pages.

Also in the introduction: “With your new iPad, you’ll learn how to have fun. You can explore the online world, organize your receipts and look at naughty videos.”  (It doesn’t really say that last one, but including that information might finally entice some seniors into the Apple Store.)

The section “How to Choose the Right iPad for You” is more sage advice from the expert. Here, we learn that there are different styles and that “the new ones are getting lighter and thinner—great for the older population.” This sounds more like ad copy for Depends.

And this section: “How Much Memory Do You Need?” Coincidentally, this is also the name of a free brochure now available at my geriatrician’s office. There’s also advice on whether to purchase an iPad that uses only Wi-Fi, or to invest in a device that also has 3G. The author asks: “Do you want to use your iPad only at home or do you want to walk around with it?” This makes the 3G version a perfect gift for my uncle Leo, who occasionally disappears at night and wanders off into the forest.

There is also a chapter on how to shuffle, a program that takes all your music—in my case, that would be my three Neil Sedaka songs—and plays them in random order. My wife hates it when I shuffle. That’s why she hid my open-back slippers.

I had trouble understanding a lot of stuff in the book, which made me feel very dumb. That’s when I decided it was time to buy another one of the actual top-sellers in the series: Self-Esteem for Dummies.

PANTS ON FIRE

When I show up to see my CPA at tax time, Clare clears her desk so I can spread out all my shoeboxes filled with receipts. First, she asks how much income I had last year.  That’s when I say: “It’s always about money with you people, isn’t it?”

When I walked in this week, she said, “Well, if it isn’t Brian Williams!” I was flattered, and not surprised that she mistook me for the dashing NBC reporter, but my ego was soon deflated when she explained the reference. “I saw your column in the paper, the one where you claim that you never procrastinate. You even boasted you completed your 2014 taxes in January.” Then she directed the tip of her well-sharpened number two pencil at the huge stack of papers I had piled on her desk. I got the point. I must have turned red because Clare jotted down something on her legal pad. Any reference to being in the red has to be carefully documented.

I told my wife about my experience with Clare,  and Mary Ellen said that after reading my columns over the years, she noticed that a disturbing of pattern of deception had clearly developed. “Like Brian Williams, you have become very adept at manipulating the facts to benefit your own career. Of course, Brian is way better than you at it,” she said, “by about 9.94 million dollars a year.”

I thought that ended the discussion, but Mary Ellen then added: “I think you should go back to every one of your 800 columns and print a retraction for each exaggeration and flat-out lie you told. Here’s your opportunity to correct any references to me where I do not appear to be anything but the intelligent, loving wife that I am. Oh, and a superb cook.”

I was going to have a lot of work to do.

To test the waters, I flipped to a random newspaper humor column I’d written where I recounted how our camera had been stolen at the Bermuda airport and with it, all our vacation photos. I claimed that the thief saw my attached ID tag, and emailed the photos back to me along with a critique of my picture-taking ability. He even commented about how lovely my wife was. It was a little creepy, but he did offer some good advice on a more flattering hairstyle for Mary Ellen. The camera being stolen? Yes, that was true. The rest? Not so much.

I read another column. In this one I claimed I went into the garage one night without any clothes on to get a can of diet soda. The door locked behind me and I spent the entire night sleeping in my car, naked.  Here’s the truth: I was actually getting a can of beer. Okay, I feel better now.

I think Brian Williams should tell the public that even if it makes his stories less interesting, he will from this moment on always be 100 percent truthful. Personally, I’m not ready to make that promise.

SOUNDS OF VIOLENCE!

The disorder is called misophonia. When I first heard about this I thought it was a feeling you experience when you can’t find your cellular device.  So what is it? Well, if you have misophonia, you’re not going to like the sound of this. Actually, if you have it, you are not going to like the sound of almost anything. The malady is characterized by an aversion and sometimes a violent response to certain everyday sounds.

A man who wrote a recent article about this is a primary care physician who claims there are certain noises he can’t tolerate. Hopefully “Ouch!” and “ahhh…” are not examples of those. He admits being overly sensitive to yawners and to people whose “saliva is audible when they speak.” By the way, if your saliva is saying anything interesting, I’d like to interview you on my TV segment.

At the misophonia website, many people expressed great relief at discovering that other people had this problem, suggesting it meant they were not crazy. That’s like watching a documentary about a woman who sprinkles sawdust on her corn flakes like you do and then saying: “See, I’m not so loony, after all.” One man said that he suffered from the disorder way before he knew there was a word for it. This is not so unusual.  My mother told me that as an infant I had catastrophic intestinal issues, but I don’t think I ever heard the word diarrhea until I was in the fourth grade.

One woman commented that she hated the sound of heavy breathing and when she heard anyone doing it, she immediately left the room. She signed her post as Chastity, which makes a lot of sense when you think about it. Another lady said that she hated it when people whistled through their noses and still another poor soul said that she could not stand the sound of her own chewing. Don’t tell the whole world about this, lady.  Just keep your mouth shut.

The sound of people eating popcorn was mentioned in several of the posts.  And the crunching of apples drives a lot of people bonkers. One farmer said—and I swear I am not making this up—that when her husband eats an apple, she has to cover her ears, “but  listening to my horse eating an apple doesn’t bother me at all.” Here’s another post:  “I can’t stand any sounds that are emitted orally.” So apparently as long as her partner doesn’t snore or burp, she’s happy with anything. A newlywed said that her husband’s eating disgusts her and she’s thinking of leaving him. What? She’s just now discovering this? Waiting until marriage for intimacy is old-fashioned enough, but waiting for your first meal? What cult is that?

The sounds made by ice cream eaters are also annoying to some people. What with the lip-smacking and the spoon hitting the bottom of the bowl, one woman confessed she was thinking about doing away with her husband, but instead she told him he was lactose intolerant. A senior citizen said that when his wife gulps soup, he wants to ring her neck. By the way, ringing is sound most people hate.

Check out the website Misophonia.com.  Are these real people with legitimate concerns? Who knows. Maybe it’s all just hearsay.

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DOG BEAT DOG WORLD

A beagle named Miss P is now America’s top dog. For the second time, a beagle has won the Westminster Dog Show. Tails and tongues are wagging. For me, this news is incredibly wonderful. Here’s why:

Twenty-five years ago this month, before heading out to do my morning TV show, I found a stray beagle on my front doorstep. You might already know the story. Barney was sweet and loving but he was destructive and disobedient. “You can keep him,” said my wife, “but you’ll have to take him to work with you during the day.”

So, I did. Not just that day, but for the next 12 years, and almost 2,500 TV shows. When he died in 2004, I received 3,000 letters and emails. The front page of the Indianapolis Star headlined it this way: “WISH-TV’s Little Bandit Dies at 14.”

A few years later, a friend tried to persuade me to write a book about Barney’s exploits, but I was reluctant. It would be a lot of work—and a tough task for me emotionally. I received an offer from a New York publishing company, yet I wavered until the very last minute. Then something changed my mind. Here’s how I wrote about that moment in my book Mornings with Barney: “The week before I had to tell the publisher my decision, Uno, an adorable little beagle, won first prize in his class at the Westminster Dog Show, the Academy Awards for canines. But I was pretty sure a beagle wasn’t going to win Best in Show. The champion dogs were never from the working-class category.

Shortly after, Uno was proclaimed the world’s number one canine.  He also could have won noisiest in show (not to mention the nosiest) and the hungriest. Finally, beagle owners had something to howl about. Yes, this was the first time a beagle had won the coveted award. The story goes that a beagle had been a contender back in 2003, but he went outside to go to the bathroom and he didn’t come back for three months.

Yes, whoever was in charge of the cosmic sign department had sent me a clear message when Uno was crowned.  The next day I agreed to write the book. I knew there was more to tell about Barney and I was sure that after Uno’s victory, a whole new decade of beagles would be around every corner (and in every garbage can). People would be adopting beagles, so I had to write the book quickly—before they all ran away.

Seven years after Uno’s win and 25 years after I found Barney on my doorstep, another beagle has claimed top prize at Westminster. These past 10 years I was blessed with another beagle—now gone—who was just as troublesome as Barney. “What a good dog,” people always told me about Toby.  “No,” I said, “a GREAT dog. Not a good dog.”

When Uno won in 2008, Gary Varvel of the Indianapolis Star drew a cartoon of the beagle wearing sunglasses and standing on his hind legs alongside a newspaper declaring Uno “numero uno.” He was sporting a T-shirt that said “Joe Cool.” A huge copy of that drawing hangs above my desk, signed by Gary.

I don’t think a beagle will win again for a long time. Three top dogs from the same family seems unlikely. However, I’m not sure Barbara Bush would agree with that.

DIALING UP PROBLEMS

 

The radio in my car has been broken for quite a while.  The tuner is busted and the tape in the cassette player is jammed with this one educational travel tape that I have been listening to over and over again since our trip to Egypt six years ago.  I am getting a little bored with it, but I know all the major pharaohs of the past 3,000 years and I bet I know more about the Great Sphinx than most people.

I decided to treat myself to a new stereo. The prices seemed reasonable and I really wasn’t looking for many bells and whistles. If there were bells and whistles, I wouldn’t be able to figure out where to ring them or blow them, anyway.

I took the car into an auto shop and waited about an hour. “All done, Mr. Wolfsie,” said Steve. “Just read the directions and you’ll be all set.”

“Read the directions? For what? You turn on the radio, and bingo! You have music. You twist the knob to change the station. You take your CD and stick it in the slot. What else is there to know?”

“Well, you’ll need to pair your Bluetooth with your iTunes. And sync your Pandora with your iPhone. Then link your Voice Control to the speakers by installing a pin number, which you can use to access the Internet through your USB drive and the auxiliary option. You can also access Spotify...

This is not exactly what he said, but he did use all those words. I’m just not sure in what order he put them. The next day, I still hadn’t cracked the code, so I went back to the store. “Look, Steve, I am still very confused.  For example, how do I get an AM station?

“Can’t help you there. No one has ever asked me that before. Did you figure out the hands-free voice control?”

“Not really. How do I do it?”

“That should be easy. Instead of dialing on your cell phone, which is very dangerous when you’re behind the wheel, simply talk to the microphone on your dash and you will be connected to your party.

I hadn’t been invited to a party in years, but when I got in the car, I did want to talk to my son at work, thinking maybe he could explain some of the complexities of the new stereo that still baffled me. I spoke clearly into the speaker, leaning in:  “CALL BRETT,” I said.

“Call Brad,” the device tried to confirm.

“BRETT,” I yelled back.

“Calling Brad.”

“NO, CALL BRETT!”

“Calling Barb.”

“DAMMIT!”

“Calling Damon.”

I broke out in a sweat. I was so frustrated, I needed some music to calm my nerves. Now, according to Steve, all I had to do was say the artist’s name and his songs would play.

“PLAY BOB DYLAN,” I requested. Then I heard this:

“Looking up Bob Dylan on Wikipedia. Bob Dylan is an American singer-songwriter and artist. He has been an influential figure in popular music and culture for more than five decades…”

Geez, I didn’t want his bio. I wanted to hear him sing. Now, totally at my wits’ end, I screamed at my new electronics. “I CANNOT FIGURE THIS OUT. HOW DO I MAKE THIS THING WORK?” 

Then, a familiar voice: “The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind.  The answer is blowing in the wind.”

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BOOK SIGNINGS AND APPEARANCES

NOV 20: TWISTED SISTERS
                 71ST and Binford
                  6-9pm
NOV 19: ROGERS BOUTIQUE
             630 Wabash Avenue, Terre Haute, IN
             Time: TBA
NOV 21: Cynthia’s Hallmark Gift shop
                  12-2 pm
NOV 28: Greenfield Hallmark Gift Shop
                12-2
NOV 29: Three Sisters Bookstore book signing
                 11-1 PM
                 Shelbyville, IN
NOV 29: Middle David’s Candles book signing
                  2-4 pm
                 152 E Jefferson, Franklin IN
 
DECEMBER

DEC 5: Warm Glow Candle
              519 W Water St, Centerville, IN
               11-2 pm
             

DEC 8: Fishers Library speech and book signing
            7 pm

DEC 11: A Corner Cottage
                 895 Conner Street
                 3-6 pm
               Noblesville Library speech and book signing
               7  pm
DEC 12: View Point Books
               5-7 pm BookSigning
DEC 13: The Gallery on the Square
                Danville, IN

Dec 16: Zionsville Library speech and book sign
               6:30 pm