BELLY LAUGHS

 

I created quite a stir at the Unitarian Church last Sunday. Mary Ellen was embarrassed when she first heard it. The entire congregation was starting to look in my general direction. Noelle started elbowing her husband.  She thought Dan was the instigator. Dan was almost 100 percent sure it wasn’t him. Spouses were poking each other and some of the kids were giggling. My wife thought I should excuse myself from the sanctuary.

Was that my stomach growling?

No one has this identification problem with other bodily eruptions.  Everyone clearly knows who the originator is—although with one sound in particular (and its result) there is usually blame-shifting that unfairly maligns the family dog. But with things like sneezing, hiccupping, and coughing, it’s seldom an issue.

“Hey, Dick that was quite a belch!”

“Actually, that was you, Bob.  It’s an easy mistake to make.”

Even husbands and wives, after years of marital bliss, still ask one question as they drift off in each other’s arms:  Was that you or me?

I’ll admit that I do have loud internal plumbing. Each week I record a version of this newspaper column for broadcast on the local public radio station. Scott Hoke, my producer, listens through his headset during the recording session to ensure the audio is top quality. “Let’s do that last line over again, Dick. I just heard WFYI’s sewer back up.  Or was that your stomach?”

The technical name for a grumbling stomach is borborygmi. The term comes from the Greek word borborugmos. The dictionary says this is an example of onomatopoeia, a word that imitates the sound associated with something. Yes, just like the Anglo-Saxon term bowwow accurately mimics the noise your Rottweiler makes, the Greeks nailed it with boborgymi.

Now, before you start googling (which is also medical jargon for what my stomach is doing), I have already looked up this symptom and I am now aware that stomach rumbling is one indication of about 35 different illnesses, including uremia, mesenteric ischemia, aerophagia and functional dyspepsia—none of which I had ever heard of.  That meant I needed to google those particular disorders, as well, but more googling would have turned my stomach—which was the last thing I needed.  By the way, don’t look up things like insomnia, headache, fever, sweats or constipation unless you want see a long list of diseases you could have…but probably don’t.

When your insides churn noisily, your brain is sending a message to your gut to prepare for a meal. As one medical site notes, your belly is saying: “Hungry. No food here; must eat soon.” Why do stomachs sound like Tonto talking to the Lone Ranger?

Apparently, your intestines are always growling, says another expert, but when you have eaten, you are less likely to hear them. “It’s like putting a pair of sneakers in the dryer by themselves versus with a load of towels.” That thought is enough to give you the munchies.

I’ve been at my computer writing this column all afternoon and my wife just sent me an email saying she had a tough day and wants to go out for a quiet dinner. I hated to tell her, but that wasn’t going to happen. Not when I’m this hungry.

 

 

 

 

DON’T BUG ME

 DON’T BUG ME

 

It was one of those Internet headlines that you think might be a joke:

                        MOSQUITOES PREFER BEER DRINKERS

My initial reaction was to brush it off, just like I do the little pests at picnics and the State Fair. The article had already gone viral.  My guess is that good old boys in places like Pine Bluff, Arkansas, got the bad news while standing around their favorite watering hole where, unfortunately, there is a lot of standing water. The guys were probably a little red-faced that they had never figured out this beer/mosquito connection. Of course, they were also red-faced before they found out about this beer/mosquito connection.

The piece is filled with data that establishes a profile for those people most likely to be bitten. For example, one scientist notes:  “Pregnant women are hit on more than men.”  This, by the way, is always a hot topic at ladies’ night at the Pine Bluff Bar and Laundromat.

Much of this research was sponsored by the American Mosquito Control Association, whose motto includes: “We are dedicated to education…that results in the total suppression of mosquitoes.” Generally, I’m against any kind of suppression, but even a liberal like me can suck it up and admit this is all-out war. And it won’t be bloodless.  

The investigations were performed on hundreds of idealistic young volunteers. What was the incentive for their participation? Lots of free booze and an itch to do something for the betterment of mankind.

The research says that when a mosquito dines on a person who has enjoyed a few brews, the insect gets a little tipsy herself (male mosquitoes don’t bite). Scientists have an instrument called an inebriometer that can measure how much alcohol the bug has ingested. No doubt, Indiana soon will be training our state troopers (those with tiny hands) to administer this test.

What else have scientists learned? Professor Robert Van Pire (not his real name) at a nearby Midwest university sat in a mosquito-filled lab in his underwear to determine which parts of his body were most likely to be targeted. His feet were first, even edging out a petri dish with limburger cheese. Entomologists around the world admired the professor’s dedication to the problem of insect bites, but ol’ Dr. Bob actually teaches American Literature and this was the third time he was caught on campus in his boxers claiming it was research.

What other factors make you susceptible to a mosquito bite? Black clothing, for example, increases the chance of being a victim about 35 percent. And when the moon is full, you are 25 percent more likely to be bitten. This is another reason not to flash people from your car window, especially at dusk when mosquitoes are looking for some action and can’t tell one moon from another.

You are also more likely to be bitten if you are exercising than when you are at rest because you are sweating. So to sum it up:  avoid running during a full moon (dressed all in black) after downing four or five beers. Those are some good tips to prevent attacks by skeeters.

I have another idea. But I am warning you, it is repellent.